As a parent, I always wanted what was best for my children. As a wife, I always wanted what was best for my husband. As a manager, I always wanted what was best for my staff. By controlling others, I believed it was always in their best interest. What I now realize is that it was not in their best interest, but mine.
My controlling others was a way to satiate my need to feel safe, less threatened, and an attempt at reducing my anxiety level. When I tried to control the situation, at times, the approach taken was more subtle. I could have given advice, criticized or condemned.
However, there were other times when my approach was not so subtle. If I didn’t get my way, I would pout, withdraw, or I have even been known to raise my voice. Holy moly!
Money and power is also used to convince someone to do it our way. Or at times we may become passive aggressive and complain or use guilt. Oh no, anything but Jewish guilt!
The need to be in control can stem from being fearful or the desire to feel powerful. The person who is driven by power needs to be in charge and wants to prove themselves. Controlling the environment or people around them is key. Does this behavior sound familiar to you? Mmmm…
When we are driven by fear, we want to keep our lives in perfect order. All aspects of our life should be picture perfect because if it is not, it makes us uncomfortable. Sometimes it may even feel downright scary. That’s why there may be times when we know a change needs to be made but the illusion that we are in control and our world is safe keeps us from leaving an untenable situation. Eeek!
For all of you control freaks, myself included, let go and observe. Realize that we cannot control everyone and every situation. Understand that our children, spouse, and others are on their own journey. Yes, they may make mistakes or we might have done things differently.
But that’s OK because it is their journey. Trust that the lessons that need to be learned, will be. Yes, there will some skinned knees, bruises, and perhaps a broken heart. Since it’s all part of life, we all need to learn to shake it off, move forward, and float down the sea of life.
Remember, the only person that we can control is ourselves and our need to control. Let go of the illusion of being in control and release the fear.
Hugs,
Ilene
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